The Fourth Trimester
**Please note that this is an account of MY personal journey during my fourth trimester with my first child. Please be discerning. Everyone has a unique experience.**
The fourth trimester is known as the 12 week period immediately after you have had a baby.
The tone for the cosy, comforting fourth trimester I’d planned & worked so hard for was set perfectly right after Sophie was born with deep care and love from our birth team. After birthing in the bedroom they tucked the three of us in to the spare bed as Sophie and I had skin to skin and our first breastfeed together. My doula fed me (yes, literally fed me, one bite at a time) buckwheat pancakes cooked in ghee with honey and banana as she gushed over how in awe she was of me. Best meal of my life !!!
Matt then had his first hold & skin to skin with Soph whilst my midwife helped me have a shower and dried me off. (I only had water from the waist down to keep the natural odours so Sophie could get to know my scent. As well, Sophie wasn’t washed at all to keep the vernix intact. The vernix is the waxy, creamy looking substance that covers a newborn skin when they emerge from the womb. It is highly beneficial, Sophie didn’t have a wash until a week after birth and next bub I’d wait even longer.) Our bedroom had shit everywhere - literally lol - from the birth but after my shower I walked in to a spotless room with a freshly made bed, candles lit, cup of rosehip tea on my bedside table, an underpad all set up for any extra bleeding, extra pads and anything else we could need at our bedside tables. They cleaned the house and made sure we were comfortable. They left a couple of hours after Sophie was born. We snuggled up to enjoy our first night as a family of three.
That night we called our parents and my sister to tell them the news and I will never forget the ecstatic joy of making these calls and the sounds of their voices on the end of the phone. Soph was born on the Friday night and we decided to have Saturday just the three of us - I’m so glad that we did.
That week after Sophie was born was honestly the best time of my life, I think I will spend forever reminiscing it. I hadn’t slept for a week leading up to the birth (I had contractions every night) + plus the 19 hour labour so I was absolutely exhausted but so HIGH at the same time. I’ve never been so high in my life. I honestly didn’t sleep one wink in that first week, I couldn’t even nap. I was just buzzing on every level, crying throughout the days and nights with pure joy + every emotion under the sun…
I could spend this whole blog trying to explain the depth of feeling but I cannot possibly do it justice.
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So to shift gears a little what I would love to share with you is a few things I didn’t realise about those early days until I was in it (which I hope could potentially give another Mama-To-Be a little heads up!);
How much time it takes to care for a newborn! I mean, you hear about it but the reality was I hardly had a moment to even pee sometimes!
How much a newborn feeds! Sophie breastfed consistently 10pm-4am in those first couple of weeks following the birth (plus HEAPS throughout the day too!) It’s interesting because in the third trimester she would always start kicking in my belly around 10pm - so intuitively I knew it was her getting used to being outside of the womb. It took her a few weeks but she slowly readjusted her body clock to feed more in the day. This is where my birth team were amazing in that I was able to message them with any questions / concerns and they were so reassuring and encouraging. I remember texting my midwife one afternoon saying “since Sophie woke up at 9am she has hardly left the breast and not settled / not sleeping after feeds - just wants boob again.. Is this cluster feeding? Normal? “ My midwife replied, “Absolutely normal. Trust her. She knows what she needs.” This beautiful advice became a real mantra for me in the weeks to come :)
The hormonal changes. My midwife came the day after Soph was born and could see how much of a love bubble we were in. She gently reminded me that I could expect a “crash” in the next 24-48 hours. Right on cue, the evening of day three as my milk came I had a significant meltdown (apparently super common to be emotional around the time of milk arriving). I felt it coming and put myself in the shower because that’s my favorite place to cry. I absolutely wailed. Matt came in with Soph “ahhh we just wanna check Mum’s okay?” In between cries I said, “Mum’s okay” and they left me to be and I continued crying. After the pregnancy meltdowns I knew it was better out than in and this really felt like a cathartic release for me. I’m an emotional person but was highly emotional those weeks following birth, most days I cried multiple times a day; whether it be reminiscing about the birth, looking at Sophie, seeing Sophie with Matt, eating a beautiful meal that friends/family had prepared for me or crying for no particular reason, anything could set me off. I had a lot of feelings (!) but I also knew that on a physical level hormones were re-balancing hugely following birth plus the sleep deprivation so it was always going to be a mess --- I love that I embraced that and just let it flow. Tears are so special, after all :) I remember a week in having a big cry to my sister at how I so badly wanted to sleep but couldn’t drift off as I was still so amped. My sister listened so deeply to me & validated how I was feeling as completely normal and said, “how about you have a shower then I braid your hair?” & then she massaged my feet whilst I fed Sophie…That night I finally drifted off to sleep in between feeds. In those first few weeks my sister braided my hair twice a week when she visited - it was the sweetest thing. She also ALWAYS asked “how's Mum?” when she came over. These small gestures meant so much to me. I will always hold it close to my heart. Her & my Mum (Nana K!) were (and still are!) such a huge support for me.
The bleeding post birth. Did you know that women can bleed for 6-8 weeks (on average) after giving birth? It even has a special name - lochia. The first few weeks surprised me how heavy my bleeding was, not even my reusable pads could keep up (I found the libra maternity pads were great!). Mine started tapering off around five weeks then at six weeks became much heavier with clots similar to the first week of bleeding..I actually went to the hospital to have an ultrasound just to check there was none of the placenta remaining causing the bleeding. The ultrasound came back clear. My midwife said it could be my period already returning & it turns out it was because the next month it came again right on time. It was unexpected because usually when a woman is solely breastfeeding their period will likely be delayed (nature’s way of spacing out the babes) but every woman is different - even though I was solely breastfeeding my period happened to return straight away. One of my intentions with my closing of the bones ceremony (more on this later in the blog) was for it to help with finishing off my bleeding, as I was ready. My ceremony was right at seven weeks and I bled all the way up to it but not one drop after - how amazing is that!
The advice people will try to give, even when you don’t ask for it. And I hardly had any visitors! I can’t imagine the onslaught of unsolicited advice for someone who had regular visitors. The best thing I did was follow my intuition! Or ask my trusted birth team for their advice. I also had a couple of Mama friends whom I’d reach out to with a “new mama 911”. Despite popular opinion from outsiders that it would “set up bad habits” - I fed on demand, fed to sleep, fed to re-settle & we co-slept, because it’s what instinctively felt right :) Any Mama’s-To-Be out there I implore you to follow your gut it will never lead you astray ! People are always going to have their opinions! I just wish they were more aware of what a sensitive time post partum is and that the best thing they could do is tell Mama what a great job she is doing & encourage her to keep following her instincts :)
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The First Forty Days by Heng Ou was my post partum bible. The philosophies in this book underpinned the foundation of how I approached my post partum. If you haven’t heard of ‘the first forty days’, here’s an excerpt from the book which explains a bit more:
“The First Forty Days is a period of time unlike any other. It is a short season of life that follows the delivery of your child - an almost six week long period that arrives after many weeks of pregnancy and who knows how many hours of labour - in which you recover from birth, your baby unfurls slowly in to the World of bright lights and sounds, and together you devote yourselves to forging your relationship outside the womb.
Though brief, it is a time of amazing intensity and massive adjustment. Your body transforms - again - and your heart throbs with more feelings than you ever knew possible. Your internal rhythms ping-pong as days and nights merge. Your stamina and serenity get tested like never before. Your connections to the World you knew before loosen, or even come undone, and your sense of who you are begins to change and morph.
In other times, and in other places around the World, a postpartum period of healing and adjustment was expected and allowed. After the rigorous and demanding act of birth, it was considered critically necessary for the whole family - and for society at large- that a woman be given the first forty days to heal and rest. Other people in her community would feed her, nurture her, and take all responsibilities off her plate, so that she could focus on one thing only: transitioning healthily and happily from expectant woman to to mother.
For the first forty days - or sometimes the first thirty or twenty-one, depending on the culture - a new mother stayed secluded from the busy stream of life, tucked indoors with her infant at her side. She received special meals to rebuild energy, replenish lost nutrients, and help her body produce breast milk. She followed traditional practices of keeping rested and warm to prevent exhaustion and depletion.”
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In the first forty days after giving birth I did no dishes, no cleaning, no washing, no housework, no cooking and had minimal visitors. In the first week I only left the bedroom to go to the bathroom, apart from venturing to the backyard for the planting of the placenta. Matt brought each warm nourishing home cooked meal, each bone broth, soup, porridge and hot tea to my bedside table. The room was kept well heated to avoid the post partum chill & it meant Soph was just in her nappy and me just in my undies & maternity pad, so we could have constant skin to skin :)
By week two I ventured to the loungeroom and outside for some sunshine a little more. Those first couple of weeks the only visitors were our immediate family and follow up visits from our birth team. Of course corona made boundaries easier in that people just assumed we weren’t having visitors but it was my plan all along to do it this way and honour this sacred time with as much space for us to bond as a new family as possible.
In the weeks that followed I invited a few friends to visit and each of them came with the energy of “helping” (BLESS EACH OF YOU!) - bringing home cooked meals or groceries or doing dishes or asking how I was/my birth story & all round loving us up!! Our fridge & freezer were full for weeks after birth, I didn’t even cook a meal myself until around the two month mark - bliss! We started venturing out for little walks and adventures. We received so many messages of love (GOD BLESS!) but I also allowed myself the space to receive without replying... I also took the time off posting anything on social media. These were all deliberate choices for again conserving my energy within my home.
On Day 40 of the First Forty Days I invited my very talented, spirited friend Bri Horne into our sanctuary to capture the energy of our First Forty Days...The bedroom of our home & the room Sophie was born, was the centre of our Universe during this time. This was a beautiful ritual and I will treasure the images Bri captured forever and ever!
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At this point, I feel it’s important to acknowledge that my dream first forty days wouldn’t have been possible without... ME! After all, it doesn’t happen by accident. I acknowledge all the research, conversations & boundaries I established during pregnancy that allowed what felt like an ‘activate post partum retreat mode’ button to be switched as soon as Sophie was born. I acknowledge the courage and vulnerability it takes to choose rest in our modern society.
In a culture that idealises ‘bouncing back’ immediately / acting as if you basically haven’t given birth... I acknowledge the deep rewiring I have spent years working on that brings me to a place where I’m able to know that it is so safe and so, so necessary to rest & receive. I acknowledge that in resting and receiving I open myself to other people’s judgements and opinions of that who may see it as weak or indulgent or otherwise. I commend myself for staying in my lane regardless, choosing what’s right for me and my family...
I acknowledge myself for saying ‘yes please’ or ‘thanks that would be amazing’ to any & all offers that have felt nourishing. I acknowledge what a gift this time to just eat, feed, sleep, repeat has been for me and Sophie. I thank every single person who has made it possible and I thank MYSELF - for giving myself full permission for it. I acknowledge how deeply healing this is for the feminine and the ripple effect my own embodiment can have out in to the World.
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At seven weeks post partum I had my Closing of The Bones ceremony. A beautiful doula named Tuesday came to my home to deliver this ritual & my doula Leah was also present for it too. The light danced through the home the exact same way it did that Friday seven weeks prior when she was born. Tuesday was present as herself but was also representing the wider community. With deep tenderness and care, I was thanked on behalf of the community for everything that I am doing within my home in raising a child. I was honoured and recognised in my rite of passage of crossing the threshold from maiden to mother. Leah cared for Sophie during it so I could completely receive & she also made an apple crumble for us to snuggle in to bed with afterwards!
I wish every Mama had access to this ritual post birth! If you haven’t heard of this ceremony before, here’s some more information about it from Tuesday;
“This ceremony is a traditional postpartum massage passed down from the midwives of Mexico and Ecuador. The person receiving it is massaged, rocked and wrapped in rebozos (Mexican shawls) to bring physical, emotional and spiritual healing.
While it is most commonly given to new mothers, this ceremony is highly beneficial to people who have experienced pregnancy losses, terminations, or the loss of a loved one. As it provides a safe space for closure, anyone in need of centering and healing will reap the nurturing rewards of this ritual. You can have it from approximately 6 weeks postpartum onwards. It is never too late to have your bones closed - 40 days or 40 years postpartum! It can be given several times as well.
Benefits:
Physical - warmth is restored to the body through warm oil massage to the abdomen and swaddled up with a heat pack and many blankets. After birth the body is still flooded with relaxin, the hormone that makes you extra soft and malleable, and so the bones need assistance coming back into alignment. The massage given stimulates blood flow, moves fluids, can increase milk supply, moves hormones and helps tone muscles and tissues. The entire experience also generates oxytocin in the body which is a tremendous help in ironing out the kinks of parenthood.
Emotional - through ceremonial acknowledgement of the profound act of conception, pregnancy and/or birth, a safe space is provided for reflection. To be recognised for the huge journey you've undertaken, whether it be bringing life into the world, becoming a parent or losing someone, conscious ritual to mark these events can provide deep healing and comfort.
Spiritual - this ceremony calls you back to yourself, so to speak. After birth or loss, one can experience "out of bodyness" and require gentle assistance to coming back down and in. By receiving this nurturing offering, you are taking a moment to integrate your experiences.”
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In between two & three months post partum felt a bit wobbly for me personally! It felt like a transition. I’d liken it to the transition between Winter & Spring. The first forty days or so had been like a deep Winter. As I passed the two month mark I couldn’t ‘taste the birth’ as closely….there was a sense of grief with this and that Sophie wasn’t a fresh newborn anymore - she was a bigger baby! There was a part of me wanting time to slow down and just go back to that first week following the birth and there was another part of me ready to move in to the next phase. Like the caterpillar emerging from the cocoon, some days I wanted to do be ‘out’, other days I just wanted to crawl back in to bed with Soph (and I did!). I also had some creativity bubbling inside me… my heart and womb were bursting with ideas but my mind was really loud; “is it okay for me to work?” “I don’t want to miss out on anything with Sophie”, “I’ll never get this time back”, “I wasn’t planning on working the rest of this year”. I pushed through this mental chatter to teach a yoga class online at 2 months post partum. It felt so great to teach again! However it was at night and that is special time for us as a family, so I decided the next week to teach at a time during the day when my Mum was over, which suited all of us so much better. I guessed that this would be part of the new territory, weaving work in to our life in a way that suits us as a family - as Soph & Matt will always be my #1 priority.
What I noticed straight away was in “scratching that itch” ie. having time for my creativity / teaching energy, I was able to then be even more present with Soph - because my creativity had an outlet. I remember Tess Guinery sharing with me that Motherhood is the most creative time of your life and I’ve gotta say I think she might be on to something ! As I arrived at the three month mark I felt a renewed sense of power and confidence as well as an abundance of creativity and ideas flowing! My fourth trimester was coming to a close and whilst I would always be post partum, the depth of the post birth bubble was closing. Looking back I know that the very best thing I did was rest & receive during my fourth trimester - it gave my family & I the best possible start to our new chapter!
